Around 19 years ago, I went on a train trip to visit my mother, and went to sleep on the train, a quite normal occurrence for around 6 hours on the train, and woke up with a stiff neck. I thought nothing of it, stiff necks normally get better. But this one didn’t. It got worse. So off to the doc I went. This started a long run of visits to the doc, and then to various specialists, none of whom could tell me what the problem was, and none of whom could offer me any sort of helpful treatment. This went on for years. Around 5 years I think. The pain just kept increasing and I was just about at the end of my tether. The only thing that helped at all on a physical level, was dark chocolate, and that was only temporary. I also give profound thanks to God for keeping me sane, and keeping me trusting Him, and my family and friends for their patience and love.
One of my sons suggested acupuncture and I thought why not, nothing else is working. So I found an acupuncturist and started treatment with her. It didn’t cure anything, but it brought the pain level down to something I could cope with.
Not long after I was searching on the internet for information about something else. I came across an entry for spasmodic torticollis. I read through the list of symptoms and I thought, ye gods, that’s me! I read up a bit more on it, then sent the list to my daughter who agreed with me. On further investigation I discovered a support group, and a contact phone number, which I rang. I told the lady my story, and she gave me the phone number of her specialist. I made an appointment, which was months ahead, but I thought, now we are getting somewhere! I eventually saw him, and didn’t tell him I had self diagnosed from the internet….I thought that would be a bit cheeky, but he was sympathetic, and listened to my list of symptoms, asking questions from time to time. He told me what it was, spasmodic torticollis, and added a newer name, cervical dystonia. And the really important news, that there was a treatment!
So started my three monthly visits to my specialist, and also interviews with his students (he is a professor at Sydney Uni Medical School) who were doing papers for their PhD. I’ve always liked the fact that my medical problems might help a doctor learn, and thus assist other patients with similar problems to mine. Everything went along pretty well medically for quite a few years, with the pain level zero at times, and just niggly at others…provided I had regular treatment.
At the same time, I underwent the breakdown of my marriage, which necessitated moving house. Both stressful in their own right. Then I turned 60, and contracted shingles. Sigh. Then I noticed some other problems which seemed to be vaguely connected to the dystonia, but not quite, so I mentioned them to the specialist.
He had a fair idea what the problem was, but it was very rare, so he arranged for me to be a “subject” at the nearby hospital, where he was head of the neurology department. He wanted input from other specialists, and again I would be a “teaching tool” for his students. To cut a very long story short, I was referred to a geneticist, underwent DNA testing and was found to have Spinocerebellar Ataxia, type 6. A further finding was that a small number of people with this condition also have dystonia. A further finding was that there was no cure, at this stage, and no treatment. However research was being done. This is an hereditary condition, we eventually worked out it come from my father, and several relatives on his side of the family also have/had it. My children have a 50% chance of inheriting it. Or the one I prefer, 50% chance of NOT inheriting it. If they don’t have it, their children, my grandchildren, won’t get it. I would love the condition to finish with me.
This was a fair bit to take in, and after I did, I started researching ways to help myself. I couldn’t pretend it would go away, it was a progressive condition that would get worse as time went on. It was up to me to face the fact, and get on with living life with as much quality as I could, given the parameters of the condition. It would, and has, made changes to the way I live life, but these changes didn’t have to be bad….it depended on my attitude. Would I be a victim or a victor?
Are we spiritual victims or victors? Do we trust the Lord implicitly? Do we accept the fact that our righteousness is as filthy rags? That we are depraved sinners in need of salvation? Or are we trying to “do our bit”, to help Jesus along as it were, to claim “brownie points” for those works we do.
At first glance, it seems as though the way I’m coping with my physical and sometimes emotional problems I’ve been depending on myself. But really I haven’t. I have only coped because He has strengthened me. I had to learn to trust Him, and to “let go and let God”. I did. I really did. There has been and is no way I could cope with all this myself, and you are probably aware some of it has been terribly hard. Terribly! It is still pretty frustrating at times, but at those times I have to “let go and let God” again. It’s constant. I hate to think how I’d cope without Him beside me, enfolding me, and at times carrying me.
So at one level I’m a victim. And I’ve turned to Him. Just like when I (and hopefully all of you) were converted. I turned to Him. I was reborn, and given a new heart, and made a new person. Well physically I’m waiting for that new body, and I long for it, but emotionally and spiritually I’m a victor. He has made me one. And I have the victory over these physical problems too, because He has given me the attitude I need for it not to control me. Yes it has affected me, but I still love life. It has just changed.
I suppose you could say I have lived with change for many years. I was changed when I was converted. With every new physical problem I have changed. When my marriage broke up, when I had to move (each time) I have changed. But there have been good changes too. My children, each new Christian friend I have made, each time I am aware, so aware, that God has been working in my life, and even though things SEEM worse, they are really better. God knows my needs. He always provides. ALWAYS.
So, though I was a victim, and a sinner, now I’m a victor, through Christ, whose righteousness has made me acceptable to God. Alleluia! The Lord is my Saviour, He died to redeem me. Through His Sacrifice, and His shed blood, I have been made clean. His is the victory, and He has made me a victor! Now through my weakness, I am able to show His strength. His grace is sufficient for me.
Are you victim, or victor?
Light of Christ 